Could I BE Any More Pregnant?

I suppose, yes.  I could be carrying 100 tiny fetuses.  Or I could be heading into week 72 of pregnancy.  As it is, however, I am carrying a monokin and am somewhere between week 35 and week 38 depending on which doctor you talk to.  But this is what I looked like last weekend:

All Fear Pregantor!

To be honest, I don’t think this picture actually does it justice.  My belly/uterus is GIANT.  It enters the room a good five minutes before the rest of me. People gasp and cover their children’s eyes when they see me.  I am truly a spectacle.  And it probably doesn’t help that I have officially quit giving a shit about how I look and have decided that I will not wear any more “maternity” clothes.  I went to Target the other day wearing my husband’s 2X New Pornographers t-shirt and a pair of cut-off sweats that might have belonged to K.  You wish I were kidding.

On the plus side, as you can see, I am a lucky bitch who is not prone to ankle swelling, so from the knees down I look great in those cut-off sweats.  And the reality is, giant uterus aside, my weight has stayed about the same since January (it’s okay — I gained enough for the whole 9 months in the first 4). But because of my AFI level and the reported size of the fetus, there just isn’t a whole lot of room for anything else.  Plus I have developed aversions to dairy and wheat for some insane reason and can only eat sweet stuff at night and in very small doses.  So I try to make the most of what I can manage to cram in; almonds, high-protein bars, and cereal with almond milk are my constant edible companions.  Yeah, I miss eating normally.

But back to the original question.  The latest news is that this baby is supposedly already well over 6 pounds.  And my perinatologist is still insisting that my due date is May 21.  So…   If a fetus gains approximately 1/2 a pound a week at this point and I have five weeks left to go, then I will have 9 lb + full-term baby.

Nope, no way, no how.

Let’s just go ahead and get freaking real here for a second:  I am NOT having a 9-10 lb baby.  My first was 6.6 and my second 6.13.  Both were completely healthy full-term babies and had perfect Apgar’s.  I refuse to believe that I am currently carrying a week 35 fetus who is already bigger than his full-term sister and brother.

And lest you think that I am stupidly attempting to substitute my own medical assessment for that of a trained professional, I should point out that this same doctor also thought my last baby was going to be a huge fat monster baby, and so they induced me at 38 weeks.  They had measured her to be already well over 8 lbs; she was 6.13.  Not to mention, my OB thinks I am most likely 2 -3 weeks further along.  I like her thinking better.  Plus, my theory does not result  in me being pregnant for five more weeks and then trying to give birth to a full-grown adult.

Because the bottom line is, I don’t really know how pregnant I am.  But even assuming that they have over-estimated the size of this baby, I simply cannot fathom being this pregnant for 5 more weeks.  Two weeks more, okay.  I can swing that.  I have still have shit to do before the baby is out and about.  But FIVE?

I refer you again to the above picture and ask, could I BE any more pregnant?

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5 Comments

Filed under Babies: Making and Raising

5 responses to “Could I BE Any More Pregnant?

  1. Big Red

    Jeezaloo. I’m uncomfortable just looking at this picture. Here is to an April baby!

  2. Amy

    I’m telling you, if you don’t get that “I’m No Angel” video filmed with your sis-in-law, you are going to regret it for the rest of your life.

  3. eeyore

    You are hilarious. I’m still May, though. Not the 21st, but May.

  4. You are definitely the pregantor! If I saw you out in public, I’d be afraid I’d have to catch a falling baby at any second! But I am super jealous of your lack of cankles. By the end of this pregnancy, at the height of summer, I will likely have thankles. While I have maternity suits to wear, I dare any judge I appear before this summer to say a damn thing about my flipflops.

  5. Jennifer

    Dear SDH–
    Never fear the giant baby and quit psyching yourself out! I looked much like you with all three of my babies and they were 8lb 3 oz, 1olb 6 oz, and 8lb 10oz respectively. Yup– you read that middle one right– 10 6. He also had the biggest head my midwife had ever birthed. I forget the measurement; most likely out of self preservation and a desire to want to have sex again without imagining my vagina as a life preserver. I can happily say they were all healthy, happy babies and I fed them all the same way regardless of their size. “Giant babies” are still squashy and moldable and will still move down the birth canal and come out just like any other baby. They also look tiny when they are out.
    Lovely ankles BTW!
    Jennifer
    PS I, and my husband, are average sized people. I blamed my friends Ben and Jerry.

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